Am I in a constant state of denial

Good Morning from Rainy Ireland,

As I sit at my desk in work, I really wonder why I can never stick to my diet. This Blog was originally meant to be a place where I could write about all my goals and successes but the more I write a blog the more I realize that it is constantly talking about my failures.

A work colleague brought in chocolate this morning but luckily for me it was dark chocolate and not my favourite (not saying I would of ate all the chocolate though) 😉

Ate so much over the weekend – I can’t even believe it myself to be honest.

I was out with my friend yesterday and I always make the wrong choices. I actually have pain in my stomach from all I ate.

So I need to make better choices. Everyday we make choices. We choose a scone for breakfast over a bowl of branflakes. We choose to go to the drive through McDonalds instead of making a healthy dinner. So I am going to spend the next week “Choosing” to make good “Choices”.

This is much harder than it sounds because most of us live go through life (sometimes) in pilot mode. How many times have you walked somewhere only to realize that you don’t remember the walk because you were either looking at your phone or thinking about something else.

Mindfulness and Choices go hand in hand.

I feel like a shadow of my formal self. I constantly feel bloated and sick. 😥

Something needs to give eventually….

I love advice and help – so if any of you have any – please let me know,

GGxx

 

 

Rome is nearly Here!! :O

So about 6 months ago I started a Holiday Diet. I was so sure that this time I would be at my ideal weight for the wedding abroad (family wedding) but it is now only 4 weeks away and I have barely lost anything (except for my determination).

I was thinking about this before I got out of bed this morning and it “just” dawned on me (I say “Just” even though I have thought about this many times but not really listened) that if I had of just set myself smaller achievable goals then maybe I would be closer to where I wanted to be now.

It is just something that I cannot get out of my head. Here I stand 4 weeks away and I am still trying to convince myself that I can lose a lot of weight in 4 weeks.

Any advice or 4 week plans anyone can give me would be great!

 

 

I am Exhausted

I am so exhausted. I am so exhausted of being exhausted. The more I think about being exhausted the more exhausted I become.

I can’t sleep anymore. I am always tired. I just want to scream at the top of my voice and punch and break everything around me but I don’t because I am too exhausted.

I don’t look after myself anymore. I just let myself be. I don’t feel good and I am not happy. I am very unhappy. I am miserable.

I am exhausted and I just don’t know what to do.

Few days later: Wow that was very depressing. I think I was having a really bad week and feel absolutely miserable but I am feeling better now. I have been practicing mindfulness and it is really helping me focus on the Now.

The Road Less Travelled

Vorfreude the “joyful, intense anticipation that comes from imagining future pleasures”. This is what I suffer from. I have always spent hours writing up a perfect plan of how much weight I will lose and how great I will feel… but never actually doing anything about it (she says as she writes this blog)

I wish I was like all those skinny girls who only buy chocolate when they “feel like it”! I just don’t understand that – how can anyone ever not feel like stuffing there face until their tummy sticks out and someone looks at you like they are about to say “Congratulations” but then realizes “actually she could be just fat”.

I need to feel full, I love feeling full – feeling full is my friend. My biggest “secret” pleasure is Crisps and when I say “secret” – I literally mean it. There ain’t nothing like buying a trailer load of junk and going to the privacy and comfort of my own car or sitting room to eat them all.

Now I know to you I must seem a bit negative but there has to be more to life than this.

THIS.. all 18 stone of me can’t be all I get. I find myself searching aimlessly for the meaning of life and of course everyone says it is to get married and have kids with the big house the cute dog but what if they are all wrong ?
What if we are meant to do something else? What If we are meant to fly or move things with our eyes or save the world 😉

I often think about Robert Frost’s The Road not taken

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by And that has made all the difference”

Capture

Should I be taking a different road? Should I just stand up from my office desk and walk out the door into the unknown :O

I am by no means saying I dont want to get married or have children. I do… I so do but I also want more than just what is expected of me.

I want to travel, I want to figure out what true happiness is. If you have ever read the secret then you will know a line where it states that if you are searching for happiness then you are not happy in your current life – job, relationship etc., and that to find true happiness you have to know what you are not happy about… sounds simple right ?

I don’t think it takes a scientist to figure out what I am not happy about – I have spoke about it on here so many times.

My trip to Rome is only 17 weeks away and while I am down a few pounds, it is not nearly as much as I hoped for.

I have started counselling as I talked about in my last post and I am finding it really helpful. I think the most important thing is to be honest – say what you want to say as it just does not work otherwise.

I am hopeful that with the right help and my strong determination, I will figure my meaning of life out x

Current Weight: 18stone 3 pounds

Mood: Tired

Activity: None

 

It feels like forever…

It feels like forever since I started trying to lose weight. Even when I was 16 years old and had a perfect figure, I still wanted to lose weight. Never happy with how I looked and always trying to reach one level better.

I am with my boyfriend over 3 years and I love him very much but lately I have been questioning wheather… not loving myself is damaging our relationship.

How can I give my all to him and love him beyond words can describe when I do not love myself.

Can you ever love someone and I mean truly love someone without first loving yourself?

I dont think you can. How much happier would our relationship be if I jus worked on the demons that cloud my mind.

Today for example. I was meant to wake up and start my day fresh with a new diet and a new respect for myself. As soon as breakfast break in work arrived, I had given up on what was meant to be my ground breaking change.

So what is wrong with me ? How do I figure out why food has this control over me.

I have decided to start Physcotherapy sessions that might help me in figuring all this out.

One thing I know for sure… I dont overeat because I love food so much – I over eat because I am trying to fill a hole but instead I am jus covering it up.

I will write another post on counselling once I have had a few sessions xx

Humans are greedy

We as humans are greedy and with greediness come’s the desire to be perfect. To be “perfect” most of us want to change a lot of things in our lives. The problem is that we often try to change everything all at the same time :O

I have been trying to do this for years and always become overwhelmed with everything that I need to do… to be perfect.

I want to change my weight, my hair, my wardrobe, increase my finances / savings, my marital status 😮 , have children, how much exercise I do, how much water I drink, how much I go on nights out, help people more, be selfish more, be a better person, get whiter teeth, be more spontaneous, be more responsible, remodel my bedroom, buy a new car, travel the world, get the perfect shaped eyebrows, change my career for something that means Something, learn to play an instrument, DANCE, be confident, be Happy (which entails all of above)

This is only some of the things I want to change and a lot of them contradict each other. I want to get married, have children but also increase my finances / savings and travel the world.

This doesn’t mean that I can’t do a few together but my focus needs to be dedicated to one of these things. I need to treat the “thing” I want to change the most as though it was my second job.

So for this week, I will pick the one thing that I want to change and work on that. I highly recommend that anyone in need of a change write a “New Year Resolution” List. It is the only way (for me) to actually feel accountable and tick things of my list!

Instead of always picking weight, this time I am going to pick another big “thing” that I have always wanted to do but never completed: Accordion Lessons.

accordion

Since I can remember I have wanted to learn the Accordion but just never found the time or the energy or the get go to actually do it.

So this week, I need to NOT forget about everything else but to make sure that I book Accordion Lessons.

I know to you this might seem like a really small goal but it is important to me as my father’s family used to play the Accordion when he was growing up and I know how happy it will make him and myself if I am able to play too.

“It doesn’t matter if you dream small or dream Big… Just keep on Dreaming”.

GGxx

February Goals

I cannot believe how quick the last month has gone. We are already in February and by now most people have either given up on their New Year’s Resolutions or broke many of them.

Life

This year I was clever. I decided to take on more “To do” New Year Resolution’s rather than simply “give up” something. These are all things that I have wanted to do for so long but just never made the time (particularly in 2015) After all, given up something completely is never much fun so why not take on things instead 🙂

 

In January I completed many of my Resolutions:

    1. Reduced my credit card limit: I still to this day have no idea why I got a credit card. My goal was to reduce my credit card limit even by a little bit J
    2. Complete a 5KM in an event: My friend and I did it for Mental Health Awareness. I was so tempted to give in and not go but signing up with a friend is a great way to kick you into action! I completed it in 48 minutes which is great for me 🙂
    3. Random Road Trip: Went on a random road trip with my good friend and we ended up in the west of the country in this beautiful little town that was beside the sea and made you feel like you were able to breathe again. The air was so fresh and I so enjoyed it.
    4. Something different every month: This month I went to see a band that I would not normally go see or listen to but I truly enjoyed it and it was such an amazing experience.

 

 

I am happy with my four completed Resolutions. I hope to complete more resolutions in the month of February

My most valuable lesson this has thought me is that we as humans, most of the time, don’t fully know how to live… not truly live anyway! You hear so many people saying that they are having a mid-life crisis or just don’t have the time but if we organized ourselves better we would. I have been thinking a lot lately about life and sometimes I feel like I give so much of myself to other people that I don’t put myself first. My head is always racing, I am always trying to please others and if I don’t… I feel guilty. I am not sure how to find the happy medium ground of giving but also not over doing it to the point where you feel like your own life goals are being damaged.

I often decide that this week I am going to go do Yoga or just relax at home and read a book or do something else for me…but it never happens. I never get me time and I know that a huge part of that is my fear of the word “NO” and my fear of telling people I can’t help them.

I don’t know how to get rid of that fear… the fear of someone not liking me or liking someone more than me. Although, I really do genuinely want to help people and make their life easier, I really don’t know how to make my own life easier.

I have a sister who does whatever she wants whenever she wants without consequences. She will always put her own needs first and the hell with everyone else and everyone still likes her, gets on well with her and doesn’t expect anything more or less from her…and so life goes on.

In some ways I envy that. I envy her ability to put herself first but how do I do that without compromising my own values as I don’t want to just stop helping people – I want there to be a happy medium.

This is one of my main New Year Resolutions that I need to figure out this year.

best for u

If you never give in then you will never give up! 😉 GGx